Working Together. Loving Together.
I work with many relationships where a couple run a business together, or work together. They come from all sorts of backgrounds including people in creative industries, healthcare, hospitality, retail and professional services. Some have built businesses from scratch, others have inherited family businesses, and others have gradually found themselves working side by side as opportunities arose. Despite the wide range of different industries, I hear remarkably similar stories and the work we do covers several issues that typically arise in couples who work together. These are not necessarily business problems so much as relationship problems unfolding in the context of work.
Together all the time and yet lonelier than ever
Many couples describe missing one another, even though they spend almost all of their time together. At first this can sound rather odd. How can you miss somebody you see every day?
You can share an office, drive to work together, collect the children together and spend every evening in the same room, yet have very little opportunity simply to be curious about one another. Conversations become dominated by what needs doing next. The business. The children. The house. The diary. The shopping. The endless logistics of modern life.
Romance is often spoken about as though it were something mysterious that either exists or disappears.
The reality is that relationships respond to what we give our attention to.
The Four C's of Relational Excellence
Over the years I developed a simple framework that helps couples understand these patterns and strengthen both their relationship and their working partnership. We focus on Connection (maintaining emotional closeness and trust), Communication (speaking honestly and listening well), Conflict (handling differences constructively rather than avoiding or escalating them), and Collaboration (working as a team with shared goals, clear roles and mutual respect). When couples share both a life and a business, these four elements are an essential foundation for success in both.
We always start with Connection, for that is how relationships start - with that spark - and usually this is what has been compromised by the time people reach out to me, or a fear that things are heading that way. With intimate relationships and with professional partnerships - what draws us together can drive us apart. Understanding and navigating both people's strengths and areas for improvement can strengthen relationships. So many arguments are caused by a misalignment in or lack of Communication, an issue with how Conflict is (or isn't) handled and a lack of Collaboration. By looking at these four areas of healthy relating we can start to look at the structural issues rather than get caught up in peripheral gripes.
Connection
I invite couples to remember the early days of their relationship. They usually smile. We talk about how they met; they might remember talking for hours, laughing and being spontaneous. They were interested in what the other person thought about the world and there may have been enough time to simply sit together without trying to solve anything.
Healthy Communication can fall out of the window with busy lives, hectic schedules, passing each other like ships in the night. It can be confusing knowing how to talk to each other at work versus at home. Some couples talk of their partner speaking to them at home like they are a member of staff.
Conflict can become complicated. How do we keep the personal out of a professional discussion with our other half? Any structural issues with conflict management can be heightened in the context of work discussions and vice versa. When I used to do martial arts, sensei would say to any couples or related participants to leave any quibbles "on the mat" i.e. don't take them home with you. This applies to couples who work together, and whilst it isn't always entirely possible, it's a healthy rule of thumb.
Collaboration is key here. Whilst there are clearly many benefits to working together, how do we manage the potential pitfalls as a team? Collaboration is not just about the division of labour - it is about strategising together, consulting with one another rather than making unilateral decisions. In our coaching sessions we look at any pitfalls and create strategies that work for both.
Healthy boundaries
If your business partner is also your life partner there is no obvious transition at the end of the day. The conversation about payroll or VAT may well continue while dinner is being cooked. A disagreement about marketing follows you on the school run. An email is answered while the children are in the bath. Somebody tapping away at the laptop in bed long after their partner has fallen asleep. Before long, business discussions are happening almost by default and entering every facet of your life together.
Nurturing what matters
Most people running a business understand that if they neglect it for months it will probably begin to struggle. They invest time, energy and thought into helping it flourish. Yet relationships can be sidelined, almost unnoticed, because there is an assumption that they will keep going. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they become functional rather than nourishing.
Conversations that transform
Working together can be immensely rewarding. I've seen couples build extraordinary businesses together whilst maintaining warm, connected relationships. Like any relationship, however, it benefits from attention, reflection and occasionally having the space to step back and think together. Learning to anticipate and navigate the inevitable challenges can help couples enjoy the best of both worlds.
Whether you're looking to strengthen your relationship, your working partnership, or both, I offer relationship coaching for couples who want to build on what's already good as well as address the areas that have become more challenging. Please do get in touch if you'd like to explore working together.